How Can I Leave???

I have something on my mind tonight that makes me want to go crawl into my bed, hide under my blankets, and start crying.

It's the thought of leaving home that's bothering me. Sometimes I don't know how I'm actually going to do it when it comes right down to it. I only have 2 and a half months left at home right now. And I have so many questions and fears about leaving.

-How am I going to be able to say goodbye to all of my friends?  

-How will I be able to say goodbye to my younger siblings and my parents?  

-How can I say goodbye to this place that I love so much?

-What about my brother and sister-in-law that live right across the creek from us? How can I say goodbye to them and their little kids that I love so much?

-What if people reject me at this college that I'm going to?

-What if I don't do well in my classes and start failing things?

-What if I start to drop my standards because of peer pressure from the other kids I hang out with?

-What if I don't like my roommate? Or worse yet, what if she doesn't like me?

-What if people up there don't like me because of the way I am?

-What if nobody accepts me?

-How can I possibly say goodbye to my friends here knowing that things will never be the same again if I leave?

-What if I'm too proud to listen to people when they try to help me by pointing out something bad that they see in me?

-What if I fall into the "dating scene" problem and forget my real reason for going to a Christian college?

-What if I get so sidetracked with my studies that I forget to make a personal time for God?

-What about my friends that I'm leaving behind? Are they going to keep on following God when I leave?

-How can I possibly leave this place that has been my home for my whole life?

I have so many questions and fears. I know that God wants me to go to this college (Peace River Bible Institute), but there are so many unknowns at the moment. I look at the future and I'm scared. But at the same time, I can't think of a better place to go when I'm leaving home. I know this college is good. I have eight older siblings that have gone there and come back with awesome reports...and that's not mentioning all my in-laws that have been there. I got the opportunity to visit this college last March....and I LOVED what I saw and heard. It was the perfect place for a young adult to learn and grow in God's love. When I think about how open and friendly everybody was it melts some of my fears away...along with some of my doubts. 

I still don't know how I'm going to be able to say goodbye to my friends here at home. Some of them I've known since before I can remember. How can I just up and leave them? 

It's God will. 

My heart cries to stay, but it also cries to leave! 

I'm torn at the thought of leaving all my friends behind, but I get excited about the thought of making new friends.

In the future I see myself leaving this place, and I see tears, and friendships coming to an end because we all know that nothing will be the same again. 

When I think of leaving I'm reminded of something that my older brother would always say to me, and still does. 

"Wherever you are, be all there!"

So...whether I'm here in this little church in Westport, or up at a college in Canada, I know I need to be all there. For right now God has placed me here, and I need to be doing what I can to show others His love. Time will come soon enough when I'll have to say goodbye and move on in life. 

Although I dread that day so much, I look forward to it with enthusiasm because I know that it means change...and change...is good.